NYC Letter: USS Jimmy Carter Commissioned

The Seawolf-class nuclear-powered fast-attack submarine, USS Jimmy Carter (SSN 23) was commissioned at 11:00A this Saturday, February 19, at Naval Submarine Base New London, Groton, Connecticut.

Of course, Mr. Carter was on hand to detail the submarine's mission:

Carter said he expects the crew to use the submarine's "extraordinary capabilities — many top secret — to preserve peace, to protect our country and to keep high the banner of human rights around the world."

John Pike, a military analyst with globalsecurity.org, has a better grasp on the mission of multi-billion dollar military hardware:

"It was part of our strategy on how we were going to win World War III. It was a significant component in our response to the evil empire."

Why we wonder, was this one-of-a-kind miltary marvel named after this presidential and ex-presidential failure?

Here are several guesses:

1. The submarine has no military capabilities whatsoever. It is actually a luxury submarine hotel that will be used to taxi election monitors from one hot ballot box (e.g., Ohio) to the next (e.g., New Mexico). It is being rigged with monster truck wheels for shore duty.

2. The submarine is bristling with armaments. In a little reported deal during the Clinton administration the DNC leased the Seawolf-class sub for the next 100 years and will use it as part of a novel red-state voter reduction campaign (e.g., Ohio, Florida). The sub should be fully mission-ready by November of 2008.

3. The submarine has no military capabilities whatsoever. It has been gutted, its capacious hull to be used as a submarine warehouse for Mr. Carter's embarrassingly large collection of Euro-peace prizes, crane origami, and celebrity activists Christmas cards. When Mr. Carter's MoveOn.org trading cards, A.N.S.W.E.R. protest placards, and other assorted memorabilia have been securely stowed, the sub will be scuttled in the Marianas Trench near Guam and forgotten.

4. The submarine is bristling with armaments. The submarine is to be manned by the cream of the fleet and will be aggressively deployed to further American policy and protect American interests. Announcing itself as the Jimmy Carter is a stealth strategy to get past the frontline defenses of rogue nations (e.g., North Korea [DPRK], France).

5. The submarine has no military capabilities whatsoever. The sub will make port calls to nations that think the United States too powerful and not about fun and peace. The fore and aft decks' broad beam will accomodate the world's largest miniature golf putting range when topside. Frozen custard will be dispensed from a concession located in the conning tower. The sub will be known as the Jimmy Carter "friend" ship.

Yes, we make fun. But only to fight back the tears.