NYC Letter: Liberal Speak

If you are an American liberal -- what a surprise finding you here! -- you live in a world on the brink of colllapse, a scary world where dark forces have come to power and conspire for the complete ruinination of the average American. Yours is the world of Chicken Little, of faints, of swoons.

You naturally are kitted out with intuitions on all social issues with a ready clutch of notions waiting to be translated into government policy and byzantine social programs. But you'll need something more than another DNC fund-rising letter promising all-you-can-ingest prescription drugs.

You will need soundbites.

Soundbites are an art. Not great art, one of the lesser arts like paint-by-numbers acrylics. And just as paint-by-numbers has a method, the soundbite too has its subtle method. It must not be too long. It must suggest imminent apocalypse brought on by the opposition. It must not suggest any specific remedy, it must vaguely suggest that you could find a remedy. It must have a certain stink, the stink of sanctimony, which stink must reach to high heaven or the network evening news.

Most importantly, it should be pronounced on behalf of Americans, the American people, the average American or mainstream America, all Americans, or, better, all of America -- past, present, and future.

The crafting of an expert soundbite may take years to master. But it doesn't require being informed, or clever, or correct in your claims. Only brevity, stridency, a bit of rhetorical theater in front of a microphone -- and clue-words.

Every soundbite must be studded with one or more indispensible clue-words meant to telegraph reams of Paul Krugman-like rant, Howard Dean hysteria, or boozy moralizing by Ted Kennedy. Here is a short list to get you going:

"chilling effect": This is a warmer-up. Anytime the opposition proposes, prosecutes, or acts in any capacity, immediately decry a "chilling effect" while wringing your hands.

Example:

In a case that civil libertarians say will have a chilling effect on lawyers representing unpopular clients, a jury has convicted civil rights attorney Lynne Stewart of conspiring to aid terrorists and lying to the government.

Yes, well, we rather hope convictions to have a chilling effect on the commission of crimes. Here is what the above civil libertarians are all a-tweeter about.

"fascism": This is an all-occasion winner. Use this beauty without fear of being contradicted, because everyone hates fascism -- even the fascists. It is double-plus good to juxtapose this with the clue-word "peace".

Example:

I go all over the country and the world, now, saying that it is our responsibility as peace people to peacefully stand up to fascism and suppression of our 1st Amendment rights whenever and wherever it raises its ugly head.

Cindy Sheehan, the above quoted peace people person, in a mere soundbite has conferred America's First Amendment on the entire world. Such is the power of a well-thought-out, well-crafted soundbite.

"racist": You can't go wrong identifying an opponent as racist. If white, it goes without saying, but nowadays the word has been so hollowed out anyone can be safely labeled a racist. And if your slur is beaten back, all the damage necessary has been done already on your first utterance. Beauty.

Example:

British Rock star Elton John, a guest judge this month on the U.S. talent hunt TV series "American Idol," said on Tuesday that he found the voting by the national viewing audience "incredibly racist."

"The three people I was really impressed with, and they just happened to be black, young female singers, and they all seem to be landing in the bottom three. They have great voices. The fact that they're constantly in the bottom three -- and I don't want to set myself up here -- but I find it incredibly racist," John said at a news conference promoting his Radio City Music Hall concert backed by an orchestra of students from London's Royal Academy of Music and The Juilliard School of New York.

Working in a little commercial self-promotion when damning an entire nation in the persons of its demographically diverse viewing audience, well, that's just good business.

Finally you must deliver your soundbite with a straight but pained face.

If you are not an American liberal, but would like some tips when listening to one, try here.

Posted by Damian at June 4, 2006 11:55 PM