NYC Letter: Idiot Ice Creamers

Imagine you are an ice creamer with an elevated social consciousness. And a professed sensitivity to right thinking. You are -- do not blush -- goodness itself.

Would you create a flavor called Apartheid -- 60% bitter dark chocolate below a thin shelf of rich fat vanilla? No? And why not?

Let us suppose you knew nothing about Apartheid. You only heard the word glancingly on NPR and thought, why, there's a nice exotic sort of word. And NPR is nice public radio. And -- Bingo! That little genius bell in your head gives a ding.

When your customers disabuse you, do you plead that you had heard it on nice NPR but you'll look into your marketing practices -- and leave it at that?

BLACK AND TAN ICE CREAM CAUSES A CHILL IN IRELAND

IRELAND April 21, 2006 (Telegraph) - Ben and Jerry's began promoting its Black and Tan flavour - cream stout with a whirl of chocolate - this month, but said it was unaware of the connotations that the name has in Ireland. The Black and Tan ice cream is based on the alcoholic drink of the same name, which is made by mixing stout with pale ale.

But the phrase originates from the 8,000 ex-servicemen who went to Ireland to keep order as Britain attempted to control republican rebels. The Black and Tans [scil., Royal Irish Constabulary Reserve Force, RICRF] were recruited to support the Royal Irish Constabulary and their name came from the mixture of police uniforms and khaki that they wore.

In November 1920 they massacred 12 people at a Gaelic football match in Croke Park, Dublin. The killings were in response to the IRA murdering 14 undercover detectives.

Here is Divisional Commander, Lt. Col. Smythe on RICRF operational comportment:

"If a police barracks is burned or if the barracks already occupied is not suitable, then the best house in the locality is to be commandeered, the occupants thrown into the gutter. Let them die there – the more the merrier.

Should the order ("Hands Up") not be immediately obeyed, shoot and shoot with effect. If the persons approaching (a patrol) carry their hands in their pockets, or are in any way suspicious-looking, shoot them down. You may make mistakes occasionally and innocent persons may be shot, but that cannot be helped, and you are bound to get the right parties some time. The more you shoot, the better I will like you, and I assure you no policeman will get into trouble for shooting any man."

Well this is all news to B&J.

The company, whose mission statement promotes "deep respect" for individuals, has apologised for any offence their latest product has caused to the Irish.

A spokesman for the Vermont-based ice cream maker, which is owned by Unilever, said: "We have had a small amount of contact [scil., complaints] from people letting us know how Black and Tan originated. We were not aware of that.

"It was named because it's a very popular drink in the US. It was released in the United States before being promoted for international use. That's now being discussed."

The B&J Web site reads (click "What's New" ☞ bottom row, first tub on left):

We've no idea how many Ben & Jerry's fans might also be beer enthusiasts, but we suspect that once you've tasted this incredibly heady blend of real cream stout [What's this? It's not listed in the ingredients given below] and chocolate ice creams, you'll soon be raising more than a few pints of Black & Tan – and more than a few brew-aha!'s, too. Enjoy!

INGREDIENTS: Cream, Liquid Sugar, Skim Milk, Water, Cocoa (Processed With Alkali), Egg Yolks, Malted Milk Powder, Natural Flavors, Guar Gum, Chocolate Extract, Carrageenan.

This is disingenuous. What company develops and distributes a product with no knowledge of the product's market potential? Most especially a product that trades off ingredients it doesn't contain but plainly define the narrow product audience.

We are asked to believe that nowhere in the whole B&J organization -- no one in research, not a soul in marketing, not one lawyer, not a single product sampler -- nowhere was there anyone to send up a red flag on a little notorious Irish history?

Yes, well, so much better to play the jackass than admit to a bad idea and being caught out.

There's another popular bar drink called an Irish Car Bomb. What do you think Ben & Jerry's will do with that?

04.25.06 UPDATE: V de T writes us with a more appropriate flavor project for the folk at B&J: Red Statist Ice Cream. It is plain vanilla studded with cinnamon red hots and nuts. "Lots of nuts. (B&J: Yuck, yuck. Nuts. Get it?)" Given its theme, B&J would design this ice cream to be disagreeable and a hard swallow.

This got us thinking, unadorned neapolitan would do fine. Red Statist ice cream would have something absent from all other B&J flavors: proportion. It would lack the signature ingredients found in all other B&J flavors: over-muchness and gimmickry.

This is an ice cream that can be enjoyed with a postprandial PBR, that can be served without ostentation from a picnic table rigged from planking and cinder blocks on the front lawn, and that can be had for $2.99 the half gallon. Its "fits in" flavors are perfect for tailgate parties, family cookouts, children's birthdays and church socials. And if your Ford Galaxy or Chevy pick-up runs dry, just drop two scoops of this all-purpose ice cream in the gas tank and go, baby, go.